How Does Your Garden Grow? (part two)

Wild. My garden grows wild.

Need to catch up?! Link right HERE to Part One!

Straw, although not emitting sunlight, was an excellent plan to mitigate dampness. I brought in a bale of straw mid-season. Here is where things go awry.

I did not put the straw down. Full stop.

I can identify numerous times in my life when I have not followed through and, for every time I can recall, there must be dozens forgotten or unnoticed. For a very long time, self-sabotage has plagued me. There are reasons behind that, which I have been fortunate to explore in therapy. Cultivating the tool of being able to recognize behavior patterns is important in caring for my mental health. That said, it takes time to notice patterns. Admittedly, I am still repeating unbecoming and unhelpful patterns in new ways, sometimes old, before I recognize that I need to make adjustments. 

Take the tomatoes trying to thrive in the shade. Straw probably would have helped, but only had I unbound the twine and spread it around the plants. And I didn't do that. I just let the bale set there. I am not proud of myself when I reflect back on this, even now. The next year, I held out for a space in the sun, got it, and just as quickly, got swindled out of it. No tomatoes last year, and I was red with envy over everyone's social media pics of harvest! Knowing situations need to improve and even going so far as to plan that improvement, don't make them improve without following through with our actions.

Purple Cauliflower!

The manifestation of self-sabotage is a reaction to experiences that deeply ingrain themselves in neural pathways. Recognizing it is happening gives space to change course but does not always immediately equate to correcting it, if at all, even once it becomes apparent. Procrastination is just the same self-harm monster wearing a different mask. I know THIS monster AND its masks well because I am in constant battle with self-sabotage and procrastination. Its iterations are, often, in themselves and fed by manifestations of trauma responses.

Procrastination is, hands down, our most favorite form of self-sabotage.  - Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

As for the straw bale, I cannot imagine it didn't mold in the interior from the weather, producing the opposite effect of why I had gotten it in the first place. The intention was there to do something different to get better results with my tomatoes, but I fell short of actually doing it. I even got another bale, last year, to put down. After two failed attempt for amazing tomatoes in the first two seasons, I gave in on the third season and switched my crops to accommodate the ecosystem. That year's bale was to put around the cool weather crops like kale, lettuce, celery, cauliflower and swiss chard, and it wasn't opened, either! I'm happy to report I enjoyed the harvest on those, but it still stands that I didn't follow through with placing the straw around those, either. Dismaying.

The truth is, I'd had another emotional reaction. This one was unexpected but hardly unfamiliar. Shockingly, another gardener got me on, and I received no support when I raised hell about it. I was angry, disgusted and avoided the garden - my oasis - and, in doing so, lost that sunny plot I had been vying to take over for that tomato dream I hadn't hung up. 

The space I paid to have tilled wasn't and, since I didn't have time to hand process the dirt at a good moisture level like the first plot, all seedlings that were ready to thrive in the sunshine never made it in the ground and perished. I was so angry that I ghosted, which is another trauma response I know well. I spent almost three decades in a stupor that only emboldened the monster. Together, we ran and dodged demons until there were no more places to hide. 

Just like seeing a little fungus on tomato plants spreading infection that necessitates the eradication of large sections of plant, little things grow into big things. Habits of self-sabotage, procrastination, and avoidance are big things. By the time many of us realize we're doing little things that become them, the culprit with the masks is nearing the light, again. And when THAT fucker crosses the threshold, it influences our relationships with others. Why grow cucumbers to fruit just to let them go to waste on a vine?? 

A little on the nose, don't you think?

I have cultivated friendships that will always be. We're down for each other no matter space and time. We're geographically scattered and busy af these days, but we don't miss a beat when we can get together. I have let some ties unknot with other people with whom I was close in recent years. Most of those were for legit reasons to improve my health. If not, they go into the first group. True homies. 

Still, there are a lot of good people in the world that comprise a whole other category of new relationships, that could be worth having, but the trauma monster bursts into the room to interject its ways to simultaneously protect and punish. 

Now, I drink Bubly Bounce!

It performs like a vine that chokes out the good plants and grows from the amygdala. The seed could be cucumbers, beans, watermelon, or pumpkin but with trauma as its fertilizer, its vine grows thick and strong like an invasive species choking out its nice neighbors. The good news is tons of therapy helps one to identify when the bad is swaying the good and, like anything, it is true that the more one practices the better they become. In this case, practicing self-awareness and adapting from the observations means the quicker, more honest, and, ultimately, emotionally stronger we can become.  

When the pig and butterfly fly.

Sorting through my seemingly endless amounts of poor coping (un)skills isn't linear, but I am making progress. Taking little steps to become better at living add up, too! For instance, I requested to have an additional garden with the extension office this year and for it to be located in the sun. 

This means not only did I stop the avoidance, I self-advocated... and my request was granted! In fact, they offered to make things right by giving me two garden plots in the sun that are beside each other! I must get them cleared and the ground broken up so that I am ready for planting summer crops during the first week of May. 

Nothing beats fresh strawberries.

I will take my dog this year, and go over with a smile and try to not let "the bad guy" bug me because, even though this gardening venture has been as much (if not more) of a pain in my ass as it has been tranquil, I haven't given up on fulfilling the endeavor. I keep trying new approaches and have a good feeling for this year. 

Don't we have to always be mindful about the way we are treating - or not treating - ourselves and why? We have to keep trying to create the growing conditions in which we, too, can flourish. (And be strong enough to receive them.)

Ultimately, we have to empower ourselves to take our control back when the monster stomps its feet, not just see the need while lowkey remaining in the loop of the same shitty pattern because that feels safer since it's what we know. Trauma survivors, even PTSD, can still create beauty in our lives and sustenance for our souls. 

It might be cheesy, but it is very true that building that life is similar to planting a garden and tending to it. Not just watering it properly but also putting down straw, switching to cool weather crops for the shade, and snagging a place in the sun for the tomatoes are all ways to grow beautiful nutrition for our bodies to fuel our minds. 

My dad came to harvest!

And when our minds are strong, we have that power to grow like a garden, keep a pulse on our emotional states, make positive changes, and stop being the ones who stand in the way of enjoying a rewarding life of our own. We aren't victims, per se, and we definitely don't need to be victimized or re-traumatized by our own selves. 

We are survivors. For trauma survivors, acknowledging these opportunities for deliberate growth is how we begin building the courage to rake away the dead leaves to uncover choices about better habits and behavior and, ultimately, to make the better decision- like we deserve to do for ourselves. 

And the little tomato babies, too. 🌱