Meet Cute

 

We never get the same sunsets, twice.

I live in the city but was raised in the country. I am part of a blue island in a red state. I have flown high with dream-come-true successes in a charming life and have dived into the gutter to rip off my skin and throw myself away. I have been on both ends of wildly in love and brokenhearted. I have been stalked, beaten, betrayed, kidnapped, survived trying to be killed multiple times and gun in my face multiple times but not necessarily at the same times... and that is not even the half of it. For the most part, I come from a genuinely kind, loving and educated family. Most people would never suspect I have survived what I have, unless if, maybe, they are meeting me when I'm actively mitigating PTSD symptoms. I have always been a bleeding-heart empath as well as lived an artist’s life combined with one of service in some form or another.  

A hallmark of unknowingly fighting C-PTSD for decades is trying to avoid reality. I have been no exception and consumed so much bourbon and blow - and whatnot - it is shocking I am still alive, even omitting the murder and suicide attempts and ideations. I decided the the doctors might be right and decided to do trauma treatment sober, which I have been. I'm making more progress and rather than continuing to try to evaporate, I am pursuing a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree with only one year to go.

I have major trust issues but by sharing my experiences, I control the narrative to be what is true and keeping myself tethered to reality, not other people’s bullshit take on who I am, is important to me. Plus, I know I have already survived what would kill most. Believing in my strengths and truths should not scare me. I am excited to start this blog; it has been a long time coming. 

Some topics on the table might be reinventing oneself, again... this time in one’s 40s. Clichéd maybe, but that’s still the lens through which I am fortunate to see. Therefore, rebuilding one’s life is on the table. Scraping one’s self-esteem from the bottom of the shoe at the bottom of the river should be mentioned at some point, I suppose. Realizing that even my healthy set of parents might not outlive me if I continue to stay off the path of self-destruction scares the fuck out of me and could be a topic if I get brave enough to explore it. I am mystified by how people get “it all” done, except for that most people are in a partnership. I might occasionally rant over how expectations are too high for one person to keep up with everything all the time.  
 
Mental health, gardening, my cat and poodle are pretty sure bets. One topic at the forefront of my mind - that will stretch me to discuss - is my near constant battle with my body and the triangle between my body, trauma and my health, both mental and physical. The most notable, recent and definitive aspects being a big weight gain with I got sober, a breast reduction I have wanted all of my life and more significant weight gain since the reduction. I am easily the largest I have been in my life (and hate it). I weigh something like 60 pounds more than I did two years ago.

My reduction has been another mindfuck as something I have wanted so badly that I was easily willing to gamble to improve my life... but it has me turned upside down, out of work and another surgery looms ahead of me. 

I suspect these are sensitive topics to which many of you will relate.

 
If any of that sounds interesting to you, please come back! This page will have a lot of trial and errors, but we would be hard pressed to find anything artistic or organic that doesn’t. Finding out what I like and what works, here, is something we will explore together. Wednesdays and Saturday will be my regular posts to start. Please forgive my learning curve on creating this blog, and thank you for joining me! I am excited for the challenge and the outlet to learn and grow!